Waves
by Angelicorn
Summary: Experiments in writing style lead to angsty, new Taito for lovely readers! Eighth chapter up.
1. Prologue- Yep, it's Fairly Angsty

Hmmm… reviews… love'm. So, in order to milk more out of my lovely lovely readers :) ('cept you, Po0ntZ, you're SO horrid, you know there's moderate amounts of whumping coming up in my J/Ds as soon as I get them typed and posted, and when it comes to whumping? Whooh. This one does the trick…) I've decided to post a story which has more than two parts… the whole thing with 'I'm _Not_ Gay' worked well enough, hmm, wonder if I can break this one into that many tiny bits…

Um, this is a completely different style than anything I've written before. Thought I'd try a bunch of new things at the same time. First person present tense, mostly AU though keeping the guys true to character. And I think the only person I'm actually bashing, as such, is Sora… Taito fans will forgive me, right?

Warnings: Lots. Uh, bad stuff. No chidderlings here, and don't flame me unless you actually have some control over the English language. Reviews can be as sloppily written as you like :) Um… pain, suffering, extensive angst and mental torture, m/m sex (DUH!), wierdass fever dreams, etc etc etc.

Disclaimer: One day I _will_ be rich enough to buy Digimon. This may involve a Nobel prize- scratch that- it will. I'll get you your tail, Ny-chan. Or just figure out a way to separate X from Y bearing sperm, that should do it. Then again, I recently had all my hopes of starting an IVF clinic where same-sex couples could actually conceive a child together CRUSHED BRUTALLY (damn lecturers, with their annoying real-life factual type stuff) but we'll see, I'm working on it. But anywho, on that day, I will not need this disclaimer saying that I don't own anything except a very small percentage of the textbooks I should own… unfortunately it's not that day yet. I'll let you know when it is.

Wonder if anyone's actually read all this rambling…

Hey hey hey, I'm having a vote as to where I should start writing a new fic. Angel: Angel/Wesley? DBZ: Trunks/Goten? Stargate: Jack/Daniel? Or another Taito? I'll write one wherever I get the most votes for.

Neways, this fic is a Taito, of course. What else would I write? Trust me, I ALWAYS write happy endings, too.

Look at those waves. So grey, and miserable, and dark. The winds have lashed them into a wild fury.

See that bulky, ugly lump of a ship fighting her way through that stormy loneliness? That's the _Raven._ Tacky name for a tacky piece of crap.

And if you look really hard, you can see a skinny, bitter blond avoiding the rest of the pirates, staring into those same waves from the very prow of the ship. That would be me. Yamato Ishida. About to make one of the biggest decisions of my life.

Not too far away, a stray sunbeam turns another head of blond hair into a brilliant halo. The light always seems to shine on my little brother, Takeru. I wouldn't have it any other way. He's the only thing in this messed-up shithole of a world that I love. The only reason that I haven't let myself get killed in any of the hundreds of ways I might have. The only reason I would ever do what I'm about to do.

See, I'm the youngest pirate on this ship, and TK is the cabin boy. We've been on the _Raven_ for a week. TK doesn't know, yet, what cabin boys have as a second job on long voyages… and if what I'm about to do is successful, he never will. I won't have TK's brightness sullied, not ever.

I will be successful. There's no way I can fail.

I can see their eyes on him already. He's far too innocent to understand why they watch him like that. He should never have to figure it out.

If only there was some other way to protect him… but I'm not strong enough to fight a whole crew of lusty pirates off my brother. I need to do what I can. What I know how to do.

My logical target is the most powerful one of the ship. The Captain.

There he is, up by the foc'stle, shouting some order. Tall. Athletic. Charisma dripping from every orifice, and he knows it. No matter what group of people you threw him in with, he'd have them all following his commands within a day.

Bastard.

All right. My target is Taichi Kamiya.

I watch him banter with the first mate, Joe. Hmph. Joe will never hurt TK, not while he has the second, Izzy. But all this time, Tai's eyes are tracking TK's slender form.

Someone that… physical… a week is too long. If I can judge men- and, believe me, I can- the Captain is determined to have some tonight.

I'm in his cabin when he goes into it, much to his surprise.

"Uh- Matt? What are you doing in here?"

I walk around behind him, closing the door. "I've seen you watching my brother, Captain."

Tai blinks. "And? Don't you dare try to threaten me. That's not going to work."

"Not threaten." Reaching up, I pull away the thong that binds my 'golden locks', letting my hair fall free. It's good hair, I know that; I take proper care of it. "I offer you a substitute."

He looks truly shocked, but recovers quickly, folding his arms across his broad chest. "That would be you, right?"

"Right."

"But you- you're a grown man."

I give him a look from under my lashes. I have lovely lashes, I can say that without conceit. "And?"

"Well… you're not as… young." Now Tai's watching me, judging.

I bite my lip, then shrug a little. I've already made the offer, what harm can a little clarification be? "Captain, men have the price of your ship for just the chance to have me. I agree I'm out of my prime… less supple than I was… but I'm still worth at least… three hundred gold pieces."

He was choking at my words.

I sigh. Damn, he needs proof.

Taking several steps closer, I drop to my knees before him…

… and the whole time I'm practising my considerable skills on him, I never once let my hatred for what I was doing show.

Finally, despising him, I stand up and give a sultry look at the shaking, sweating, exhausted Tai. I'm pretty sure he believes me now.

"M-Matt…" he manages, surprising me. He should have been completely speechless.

I pause with my hand on the door. "Was there something?"

He hangs his head for a few moments, recovering the power of semi-logical thought, before asking the predictable question. "Will there be more?"

A smile twitches my lip. "Sure. I'll do that as often as you want, Captain. And after a week I'll give you the rest." My smile vanishes, and I can feel my eyes flash with cold. "But, Captain, if you… or anyone… harms TK, you will _never_ experience this again."

Amazed, he stares.

"Will anyone hurt TK, Captain?" My voice is smooth. Quietly confidant. So many things I'm not.

There's a look in his chocolate eyes that I've seen so many times. The peculiar wounded look they get when they realise they're being blackmailed. "Of course not. No-one will hurt poor little TK."

Nodding, I leave.

How's that for a starter? Miserable yet? REVIEW. The next one will get up quicker if I get more compliments.


	2. Angst and Sora-Bashing

I did enough disclaimerish/warningish rambles in the last chapter, didn't I?

Thank you to the lovely lovely people who reviewed me… I know it's kinda weird, but I'm also oddly proud of it, aren't I terrible?

Ready for the angst-fest? Cos here it comes!

It's been almost a full moon since the first time I went to the Captain's cabin, and I can see land. We should be there within a couple of hours.

I'm on lookout now, so I'm up in the crow's nest. Lots of time to think. Yeah, that's just what I need.

The trip's been fairly profitable, I guess. We gave chase to five ships, and caught two of them. These hands- these slender, girlish hands- wielded the cutlass that slew nine men. Nine.

It was strange… I've never really been in any fights before, not that I can remember. I was just standing there with a cutlass drooping uselessly from my hand as the cannon-shots were fired. And as the grappling hooks flew, I had just blinked in confusion. I grabbed a rope when everyone else did, swinging onto the other deck, and…

A man had run at me with a rapier-

The next thing I remember after that was standing in the midst of a red mess. My clothes were soaked with blood, and my arms were sore from swinging my blade. Some half-dozen of my shipmates made a semi-circle some distance around me, regarding me with an odd form of respect.

Tai had approached, clapping me on the shoulder- I seethe with hatred, just remembering it- and congratulated me on being a berserker.

"Matt? Hey, Matt!"

I feel a smile breaking across my face, this smile I only want to smile for TK. My brother's sweet little face, beaming with happiness, was peering over the edge of the 'nest. "C'mon up, little mon." This silly nickname I had for him, like a tiny monster, made us both smile.

"You're such a dumbass, Matt," he grins, humping up into the half-barrel and curling up into my side. TK's the only person that makes me happy by touching me- I feel loved, depended on.

"So, little mon, what up?" I ruffle his sunny hair.

He sighs heavily. "Matt… you always told me to tell you when someone tried to do something I didn't like."

My heart thuds. "What happened?"

"Beff tried to today. I told him that thing you said."

"Good kid, thassa way." I feel a little calmer, but not much. I've told him that so many times…

__

TK, if someone ever… tries to do something you don't like… or touch you someplace he shouldn't… keep away from him. Far away. And say to him, "Sir, my brother is very beautiful, and a great deal more skilled than me."

… but I'm still pissed. Now I'll have to… talk… with Beff. No, I'm not going to do _that_, just beat some sense into him.

And Tai.

Tai wasn't getting any for a _long_ time.

I blink, realising that TK is talking to me. "Sorry, TK. What?"

He sighs. "Matt, why won't you tell me what you do? Some of the other sailors say really mean things about you. They call you names."

"They would," I shrug. "Don't worry, little mon."

"I _am_ worried. Please tell me, Matt."

I wrap my arms around him. "I love you, TK. That's all you ever need to know, ever. I love you."

Tai grins at me as I descend the rigging. The is rocking as it descends, this cruddy old crate moored firmly to the wharf at Sneeton.

The force of my returning glare stuns him.

Not caring who sees, I leap down and, grabbing a fistful of Tai's shirt, I slam the Captain back against the foc'sle wall.

"What the-"

"We have an understanding, Captain, do we not?" I growl.

His eyes meet mine. "And we've both kept it up."

"One of us hasn't." I think I'm growling. "You control your men well, Taichi, but not well enough. Keep a tighter rein on Beff. Or no more. Ever."

He pushes me away roughly. Then, eyes still on my face, yells out, "Shore leave tonight, men!" He grabs my arm and, despite my vicious tug away, literally drags me back into his cabin.

"Let me go!" I yell as he slams the door behind us. "Dammit Taichi… I don't think you understand how serious I am."

"I'll talk to Beff," he promises roughly. "Yamato…" Tai pulls me close to him, fiercely holding me. "I'm gonna protect Takeru like he was my own little brother from now on. Like my own."

There's something in his eyes, underneath all the roughness and lust… fear. Not fear of violence; I think he likes that. And not even fear of no more sex. Tai's afraid that _I_'ll leave. He's afraid of… of being cold, and alone, and unloved.

He wants me to love him.

Hmph.

But after all, my job is to give my clients what they want.

I swallow bile. I've had to do this one before; it's not as bad as some of the others.

"Matt- Matt!" He pulls me even tighter against him, his mouth hot on my neck. "Isn't that what you wanted, Matt?"

"Yes." I cup his cheek in my hand, pulling his face up to give a sad smile into his eyes. "That's some of it." Then, still hiding my revulsion, I lean forward and give him an open-mouthed, passionate kiss.

He's kissing me back just as thoroughly. His tongue is all through my mouth, and I have a hard fight against the urge to bite it off. I hate this part. I hate it.

When he eventually pulls back, Tai's eyes are shining. "Oh, Matt," he gasps.

Afterward, lying on his narrow bed, Tai cradles me against him. This part is worse than the act itself… I hate having to pretend that I care about someone.

"That was the best yet," he sighs.

And now I must joke with him, relax him. "I'm glad you appreciate my skills," I purr.

He's stroking my hair. It's irritating, but I tilt my head into his hand. "Oh, do I ever."

I'm doing little things to his chest to relax him. With any luck he'll nod off… and, in moments, that's what he does.

I slip out from his arms, grabbing a rag to quickly clean myself- swab the decks, matey- and pull my clothes back on. There, it's done for the night. I can leave. But first I find his purse and pull out a handful of small coins. I _am_ his whore; if I need money, I'll take it.

A few of the crewmen are waiting outside. Joe, and Beff, and a couple of others whose names I don't know.

"You done fucking the Captain?" Beff snarls.

"He's done fucking me," I correct harshly, tucking the coins into my belt. "And now I _really_ need a drink."

They stare at me, open-mouthed. I guess they didn't expect me to admit it so openly.

Joe's the first one to react. He claps my back, almost fondly. "You're an okay guy, Matt. Let's go get you that drink, huh?"

And suddenly the day seems a little brighter.

A crowded tavern. Probably the only one on this piss-little town on this snippet of an island. I'm sitting in the middle of a full bench, a few drinks under my belt. Hmph, I let TK have one glass of hard cider- after all, he is twelve now, and a pirate to boot- and the poor kid has fallen asleep already. He's snuggled up to my side.

I look over the table at Beff, who's trying to speak to me.

"Hey Ma'… TK said, he said-"

"Don't ever touch TK again," I growl softly. "If we need a ship's whore, then hire a whore, not a cabin boy. Nobody hurts my brother."

"I wasn't gonna hurt him. Jus' have a bit o'fun."

My fist moves of its own free will, and he topples slowly backwards.

Joe, sitting on my other side, grins. "Nice shot," he says appreciatively, swigging from his tankard. "So, you're with the Captain, huh?"

I snort. "I guess you could call it that."

"That'd be why he was warning everyone off of TK, then." Another swig. "We all thought he was just possessive. I hadn't actually pegged _you_ for the type."

"Which type would that be?"

He gives me a flat look. "The type who's into guys. I mean, I'm not criticising or anything- I'm pretty into Izzy myself, as you know." Izzy rubs up against his other side, and I think I might barf. "But a lot of guys don't like that sorta stuff."

I drain my tankard in one pull. "You seem to have made the assumption that I like it."

Joe blinks. "Why would you do it if you don't like it?" He's genuinely baffled.

Sighing, I scruffle TK's hair, not hard enough to wake him up. "This is why. It's the only way I can make sure TK keeps his brightness."

Joe nods slowly.

"I know what I'm doing, and working through Tai like this is the only way I can defend TK." I take a deep swig. "But anything's better than the way it was. At least now it's only one man. And he doesn't have any particularly nasty tastes."

"Matt… you've done this kinda thing before?" He seems sympathetic, oddly enough.

I shrug. "It's how I brought me'n'TK up. Our parents died when he was just a baby." I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but now that I've started, the words just keep spilling out. "We spent a year or so just begging, barely staying alive, but then TK started getting sick… I was worried to death. TK was all I had left and he was dying!"

"That's harsh, man."

"That was when Madame Sora showed up. She offered to give us a place to stay, and she had a doctor to make TK better, if I wanted to work for her. So I did." I sigh. "I hated it. I still do. I hate it so much."

Izzy leans across. "Well hey, why did you sign up with the _Raven_ if you knew this was gonna happen?"

Again, I sigh. "We had to get out of there. That day. Sora had been pressuring us for years to get TK working as well. She'd made an appointment for him with one of the regulars, that night. I _had_ to get him away."

They both nod sagely. "Well, I guess that's fair enough," Izzy agrees. "So you're just waiting till we get to Arrady, and then you're gonna jump ship, right? That's what I'd do."

"That's pretty much it," I nod.

Izzy gives me a sorry glance. "Another two months," he comments. "It's gonna be rough."

On that note, I proceed to drink myself into a stupor.


	3. More Angst

More torture! Yay me!

Too damn lazy to write a disclaimer etc… I'm just gonna post the chapter. Read! Enjoy (with a sense of evil fascination! I hope! Or just boredom… or just read another story that's more cheery. I have some of those.)

A bed. I'm lying in a bed. I've been here before, in this bed.

I inhale deeply, giving a waking-up sigh. This is Tai's bed. I can tell because it carries his scent, musk and cloves.

Oh great.

Rolling my shoulders back, I moan softly, and look up with sleep-clouded eyes. A very fake act that nevertheless finds a willing audience.

"So, you're awake?" Tai says coolly.

I groan at the pain that's just starting to awake too, right behind my eyes. "Maybe. Am I in your bed?"

"Yes." He walks over, squatting by the narrow bunk. "Do you know what you did last night?"

"Drink?" I ask hopefully.

Now he's glaring at me. "Well, _after_ the confession of your past to the _entire crew, Matt_, you drank for two straight hours. That much is true. Then, I'm told, you got up on the table."

Again, I groan. I vaguely remember… something.

"Where you proceeded to perform an _erotic dance_ for my _entire crew_. Including no less than _four. Lap. Dances_." He's snapping at my, truly upset.

For this one moment, I couldn't really care. I snap back. "What, Tai, jealous? I'm a dancing boy. It's _what_ I _do_."

He yells wordlessly, grabbing me by the arms and shaking me. "For _me_," Tai says, somewhere between a shout and a plea. "Just for me, Matt. Just for me."

"I am who I am, Tai, I-"

"NO!" Oh, Jesus, a tear! "What do I need to do to keep you to myself, Matt? What!? I hired the fucking whore to keep my men busy. I'm doing everything I can to keep your brother safe. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Sighing, I turn my face away. "I love TK."

"I know."

"I… just…" I pull further away. "I don't want to talk about it."

He growls softly, and I shiver, closing my eyes. I _have_ to pretend I'm attracted to him. "Tell me."

"No." Teasing him. Being mysterious. Getting his adrenaline flowing. "Just leave me alone." I'm turning my face away but moving my body closer, sending him the message: _don't talk to me. Do something else, but don't talk._

The tone of his hands on me changes, as I knew it would. Here we go again.

Tai plants one last, shaking kiss on my jaw as he finishes inside me. My head is tipped back as I cry out in the throes of my own (faked, needless to say) pleasure. But, he's done; I don't need to keep going. I move a few more times to keep up the image, and sigh, resting back into the crook where the bunk meets the wall. My hand slips into his hair, pulling his face into my throat; I know he likes to be held like this.

Still in me, he murmurs, "Matt… you didn't…"

__

Get out of me. Get out. "I never do," I whisper back, fingers tangling in rowdy locks.

I'm glad he doesn't ask me why not. I'd have to answer him honestly, and that would shatter him. _Because I hate this. I hate you touching me. I hate your stupid, greedy pleasure. Do you know, Tai, that the only time I've felt true sexual pleasure was when I touched myself thinking about killing my clients?_

I think I'm crying.

Yes, I am; he kisses my tears away, never guessing how much I resent that he dares to show tenderness to me. "What is it?"

My fingers tighten in his hair. "I just… I like this. Lying here. Like this. Together." _I hate this._

Tai sighs heavily. He gives me a gentle kiss. "Don't bullshit me, Matt; you can't stand this."

Shocked, I gasp. I pull back a little, staring into his eyes.

He pulls out of me- not roughly, but firmly enough to make me gasp again- but doesn't move away. "Matt, you're one hell of an actor, you know that?" he asks sadly.

"No-one has _ever_ seen through that before," I manage. I drop my eyes. "Alright, dammit. I'm hungover worse than I've been in a year, and sore, and tired, and that was feeling uncomfortable. There. Do you feel better now?" I twist away from him, not just a pouting act but truly upset. I hope to God he doesn't try to push this any further.

His hand moves along the side of my face. "Matt, beautiful, if there's a time when you really don't want to, you don't have to."

__

I never want to, moron! "I'm your whore, Tai. It's my job to give you what you want."

He flinches. Gathers me up and lies me down against him, pulling his blanket over us. "You carry so much pain, Yamato. It makes me hurt for you."

I hmph, snuggling against his chest.

"Talk to me. Please, tell me why you hurt."

Perhaps I will tell him a little. "If you want, I'll tell you a story, Tai."

He kisses my brow. "Please."

"I worked for Madame Sora for ten years in a place called the Chess House. I didn't lie to you about how much I was worth; I'd see four or five men a week, and earn Sora a fair two thousand. Ten years, Tai, and I hated every minute of it."

"Why did you stay?" he asks softly.

"Because of TK. I could have taken care of myself in the streets. Not well but well enough. But TK was a very weak child. It's not his fault. He was sick more often than he was healthy, and the medicines he needed were rare and expensive. So I hard to work."

He nods, thumb stroking my cheekbone.

My voice is very small. "Sometimes I would wonder if she was… if someone was giving TK something to keep him sick. He seems a lot better out here. But there wasn't any way for… for… I did what I had to do."

A small noise deep in his throat.

I sigh heavily. "The Chess House was very high-class. The boys there had to know what they were doing. Sora… Sora had the policy that her boys earnt their money by giving the clients what they wanted."

"Sex," Tai guesses softly.

"Shut up and let me talk." I turn my face into his hand, brushing my lips across his palm. "Not only did she teach us the skills of the bed, but there were two other things that she decided were crucial. We had to learn to read people, at every level. To know what they wanted, to know it before them even. And we had to be able to act. To… to give the client what he wanted, and convince him that we enjoyed it too."

"Matt…"

"Most of the time it's the same. Sex. Pure and simple. And if they could win a game of chess against us, they got it."

He shudders. "Please stop."

"You wanted to know."

"Not- not this."

I regard him coolly. "It's my life, Taichi. Do you want to hear it or don't you?"

He is silent.

I take up where I left off. "One of the regulars, a very old man, just wanted to be in the room with me. He was a good chess player, and he beat me several times; but every time, rather than claim his prize, he'd set the pieces back up, and we'd play again. He told me once that I reminded him of his dead grandson."

He nods, seeming a bit relieved.

"And then there was another man, during my third year there- I was eleven- who came to see me quite often. His thing was pain. He wanted to cause me pain." My fists clench, remembering. "He knew all the ways to hurt me without leaving marks. And I had to pretend I liked it."

Sobbing once, Tai holds me to him, trying to offer comfort I suppose.

"Do you have _any idea_ what that's like? To be in so much pain you think you'll die from the hurt. And through that, knowing what you have to do… faking pleasure, orgasms…" my voice cracks. "… pleading for more."

He's weeping openly now, and… I guess I am too. I'm losing control, a frightening thought.

"It hurt so much," I whimper. Whimper? Bloody hell, Matt, get a hold of yourself! It's all very well to tell him this to get his sympathy and what-not, but for Chrissake's, don't show him anything real!

Raggedly, he's rubbing my shoulders, tears still trailing down his face. "No more, Matt, please! I can't stand it."

I nod slowly, letting him cradle me like a babe.

"Oh god Matt." He strokes my hair. "Oh god."

Finally, when I've managed to regain some self-control, I sigh heavily. Never again. I will never again let him see into me like that.

He sighs too. "Matt, beautiful… what do you see when you read _me_?" His voice drops. "Honestly."

My face is still tucked into his neck. I talk into the warm, sweaty skin. "You're a strong, simple man. Basically one of the good guys." But that's not what he means, and we both know it. "You care more about me than you meant to. And you suspect that I'm putting on an act for you, but you don't want to ask in case you're right."

He's wordless for a moment, and when he speaks, his voice catches. "And what do I want?"

"You want…" I swallow, nervous. "You want me to love you." I bite my lip, and the next words run together in my haste to speak them. "Tai, you should know that- that someone like me doesn't fall in love, it just doesn't happen, I- I can't."

He might have sighed, or it might have been a sob.

"I… the best I can give you is an act." I close my eyes. "I'm sorry."

Now he's definitely crying. I feel- I don't know. Bad. His body's shaking and he pulls me even closer. "Matt," he sobs. "Matt, please… even if it's not real…"

I am still.

"I need that, I really need it, oh god Matt… please…"

I… I will do this. I pull myself up until I am face to face with him, and I claim his mouth with mine.

Hm. Think I may have a small mental problem. My attempts to make this story very meaningful and relating to issues and stuff kind of tend to make it really, really depressing.

Review… remember, I promised you an eventual happy ending? Reviews encourage happiness.


	4. Not Quite As Angsty

Hmm, the next one. Not getting them out quite as quickly as I thought :( you forgive me, right?

Not much new to say up the top here… umm, the ages are kinda screwed with, but Matt's supposed to be about 18, and so's Tai, and I still don't own anyone… enjoy!

When I emerge from his cabin, the sun is high in the sky, and I'm immediately set upon by a purple-haired girl I recognise from the little tavern. 

"You would be Matt, right?" she grins. "Captain's own piece of ass? I'm Yolei, the ship's new girl. Pleased to meet you!"

"Uh… I suppose." I go to brush past her, but she won't let me.

"Hey, Matt, we should be friends. We're pretty similar, you and me."

I snort, and manage to get past her this time.

TK's bouncing around the tiny town, trying to find somewhere to spend his few coins. I eventually find him sitting by some rock pools, eating lemon drops out of a twist of wax-paper.

There's a moment when he hasn't seen me yet, and I take it to study him. My little brother is growing up right under my nose, and if I don't pay attention, I might miss it.

He's gotten taller over the last month, though he's still almost as skinny as me. He has the same beautiful face and deep, big eyes that got _me_ into this line of work. He looks so much like me, not exactly, but very close. There's a… a quiet in him now, a calm, that wasn't there before. A very deep peace.

And then he sees me, and lights up. "Hey, Matt!"

"Hey, mon." I wander over and sit down next to him. "Spent all your money yet?"

"Yep!" He offers me the candies, and I take one. "D'ya think they'd let me bring a kitten onto the ship? Cos there was a lady that said I could have one of her kittens if I was allowed to."

I grin. "I think they'd let you do that."

Oh god, I love to see that smile! It's like the sun breaking across the sea. It's a beautiful ray of hope shining into my life.

Minutes later, we're crossing the gangplank onto the _Raven_, each of us hanging onto a kitten. One ginger one, one tortoiseshell. TK's already named them, as imaginative as they come… Ginger and Torty. He's totally fallen for them.

"Hey, what's this?" Joe frowns, looking up from the torn sail he's patching. "I don't think anyone gave permission for those."

"Ship's full'a rats," I retort dryly. "Eat the foodstores, spread disease."

"'Sides, every ship needs ship's cats," adds Izzy, an unexpected support. He steps over to rub Torty's ears, and the kitten purrs like crazy, making TK giggle.

Joe shrugs. "Okay then. You'll need to talk to the cook about feeding them. And make sure the _rats_ don't eat the _kittens_ before they grow up, huh?"

"He's just kidding," I reassure a worried TK.

We set sail at dawn the next day, stocked up for the two month journey.

Two months of pretending I'm in love with Tai. This _will_ be hell.

The day after that, Yolei manages to hunt me down.

She pins me against the wall, giving me a terrifying, unreadable smile. "Hey, Matt," she grins. "How ya doin'?"

"Okay, I guess," I gulp.

She looks at me through her lashes. She's not very good at it, not as good as me. "You know you're the most attractive guy on this ship, Matt."

"And?" I can feel my eyes darting nervously.

"You want a try?" Oh no. She's pressing herself up against me, guiding my hands to her rear. "C'mon, don't you want something, you know… the way you'd like it?"

I pull my hands away. "That's _really_ not necessary, Yolei, thank you very much."

"I know," she smiles. "I want to."

"I don't."

She pulls back a little, hurt.

I bow my head. "You're a nice girl and everything. But how could you possibly think that someone like me would say yes to that offer?"

A baffled look crosses the girl's crimson eyes. "Well, hey, sex is fun."

I stare.

"And, I mean, I doubt you really get to do what you want to with Mr Big'n'Strong out there. You could with me."

"Yolei… sex does absolutely nothing for me. I'd rather not go through with it unless I have to."

"But- but last night, you and him- everyone could hear you scream…"

Wincing- was I _that_ loud? yes, yes I was- I point out, "It's all fake. God, do you think I _enjoy_ having that done to me? I _hate_ it. I _hate_ having him in me. I hate it."

The purple-haired girl looks truly shocked. "Well, geez, why do you do it then?"

"I have to. I need to protect TK, and I need him to help me… even with you here, I can't make sure they leave him alone by myself." I rake a hand through my hair.

She shrugs. "Y'know, he's pretty hot too… I could take over for ya, and then we'd all be happy!"

"Thanks," I smile, "but I don't think Tai'd agree. You don't have my skills."

"Hey!"

"I've been doing this for over ten years, and- just believe me. You don't have my skills."

Very little happened for the next six weeks, so permit me to skip over them… lost four men to a sea serpent, the kittens caught their first mice, and I, hating it, convinced our dear Captain that I was in love with him.

I'm sharpening swords when I hear the cry of "Ship ahoy!"

Course we all know what that means.

Tai's roaring orders, and pirates seem to be buzzing everywhere, sleeking this tub down to an oddly fast thing. We're managing to pull closer to the other ship. We're all gathering weapons, preparing to board.

Grappling hooks fly, and the ships pull together with a grating shudder. It's a rich, pretty thing; good pickings.

We board. Men in uniforms. They fight well-

- the red mist descends upon me.

I awaken suddenly.

My blade is poised just short of a trembling dark-haired girl.

A quick glance to check there's no more warriors around, then I sheathe the dripping sword. "Hey, girl," I greet her.

She stares at me in terror.

I smile. "I don't intend you harm, little girl."

"You just swung at sword at me! You- you killed my guards!"

"I'd never hurt a child." I look her up and down. Elegant silk children's dress, small silver band in her sleek seal's hair. She's rich. Maybe a royal in her country. "You a Princess?"

She nods, her eyes still wide.

"Well, your Highness, my name's Matt."

"P- Princess Kari."

"Hi, Princess," I smile. "Nobody's going to hurt you. We're gonna ask your parents for some money, but that's all. You'll be fine."

"Okay," she says timidly.

"You'll get along just fine with my little brother until we get you home."

Review? (puppy dog eyes)


	5. Um... Yep... Still Pretty Darned Angsty

Disclaimer: You know it, I know it… sigh.

Finally getting into the _action_! About time!

It's kinda cute, actually…

Tai looks her up and down, much as I did, and decides to hold her ransom. What a surprise.

Her response to him is a little better. Now that she's recovered from her initial fright, Kari seems to be a capable young lady. She looks him up and down in return. "So this is what a pirate captain looks like," she observes.

He laughs harshly.

Not phased by it, she looks over at me. "So where's your brother?"

Smiling, I call for TK.

He's there in moments, little Torty clinging to his shoulder. TK's reaction to the Princess is priceless. His blue eyes open so wide it amazes me. He chokes out something completely inaudible, and blushes beet-red.

"TK, this is Princess Kari. I want you to take care of her until she gets ransomed, okay?"

"O- Okay." He steals another glance at her, blushing even harder. "Hi, K-Kari."

I flick a glance at Tai. "If that's okay."

He's grinning too. The rest of the crew are hiding various smirks and smiles as they go about their business. I can tell, for the next fortnight, everyone will be pushing these two youths together.

Especially after looking back at Kari; the Princess is maintaining her regal composure very neatly, but there's a hint of pink dusting her cheekbones.

I think she likes him, too.

"Hello, TK," she says softly.

If at all possible, his blush deepens.

"I- I like your kitten."

"Oh- ah… uh… this is Torty." TK gently removes the kitten from its perch, shyly presenting it. "She likes to have her ears scratched."

Accepting Torty, Kari starts to rub dark-furred ears. She casts another look at TK. "You _are_ a pirate, right?"

"Yep." He tries to puff himself up slightly, but just as quickly gives it up.

"Why don't you have an earring?"

He blinks. "Well, my brother's a pirate 'n he doesn't have an earring."

Whoops. I hope no-one else heard that.

I guess they did, though, because a couple of hours later, while Tai and a few of the men are sorting through the spoils, about a dozen of my shipmates corner me in the hold.

"What are you guys doing?" I snap, fighting in vain to stop them from pinning me down. "Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Pirates should have earrings," Izzy grins, holding a thick gold ring before my eyes. "We're gonna give you a present."

I shout in wordless protest. I thrash and flail against them, but they are twelve and I am one. Never, not in my life, have I done something to mark my body this way! I never _want_ to!! I earn my living from this body, I can't have it scarred!!!

One of them- Anton- produces a thin, very sharp knife. "It's clean," he grins.

As useless as it is, I struggle right until the knife touches my skin. Then I still. I'm not so stupid as to thrash around while someone's sticking a knife into me.

"You bastards."

A searing pain in my right ear. Yes, it would be that one, wouldn't it. I don't cry out; I suffer much worse.

Seconds later, the ring is in, a strange heaviness beside my neck. And they let go of me.

I surge to my feet, roaring, and attack them. They don't know how fortunate they are that I'm not holding a weapon, because I truly am mad enough to kill. How _dare_ they do such a thing to me!

Startled, they don't fight back. I land perhaps a dozen good blows, blacking eyes and bruising faces, before they start to react. And then they're striking back, fists pounding into my flesh with explosions of pain.

"What the HELL?"

Everyone freezes at Tai's snarl.

Slowly, I look up, my fist still buried in Anton's gut.

He pushes a few men aside, grabbing my shirt, and slamming me up against a wall. His cold, furious eyes wordlessly demand an explanation.

I give him one. I turn my face to the side, to clearly display the newly-pierced, angry-red ear, the bright blood that trickles down my neck to stain my shirt.

He takes one look, and redirects his fury. Tai's eyes blaze even fiercer as he rounds on his crew. "Who the _fuck_ came up with this brilliant idea, you _pack_ of _shitheads_!"

The last one of them has skulked off to scrub decks, and Tai and I are alone.

I'm turning away, not wanting to talk to him, not wanting him to see this blood and bruising and imperfection. "Go away," I mumble.

He ignores my words and turns my face to his, examining the damage. I can feel one of my eyes swelling closed, and the skin has split open along my other cheek. "Oh, Matt."

"Go away," I repeat. "I don't want you to see me like this."

Tai blinks. "Why not?"

I swallow hard. Am I actually nervous, or is this part of my act? I'm not sure anymore. "I'm ugly. I don't want you to look at me."

"Matt, you're not ugly," he says gently.

"I am! They made me ugly, the bastards flawed me, I'm not beautiful now and you won't want me anymore!"

Wonder flashes across his eyes. Tai reaches out, resting his hands on my hips. "You think a few tiny marks could make you less beautiful to me? Matt… you're the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. You're- exquisite. Sublime. Incredible."

I let a few tears slip out. "I've kept myself perfect for you… Tai…"

He strokes my cheek. "Does it really matter that much to you, Matt?"

Gravely, I nod.

"Y'know, if we take it out, your ear will prolly heal over." He pulls closer to me, kissing my thin-drawn bottom lip.

A rough, loud sigh slips from me.

"Shall I take it out for you, beautiful?"

"No," I snap, surprising myself. "No. It's there now. Let it stay."

"You're sure?"

I pull sharply away. "I'm sure," I hiss, and storm out of the hold.

He's following me. That just makes me run faster. I cross the decks, and start up the rigging, determined to get as far away from him as I can. I don't know why; this is stupid, illogical.

"Matt!"

I ignore him, climbing faster.

"Matt! Matt, please…"

And my hand slips.

A moment's disorientation- I'm falling!

Tangle of rope-

Distinctly, I hear a _snap_, followed a tiny moment later by a wet tearing noise.

A strange, strangled noise escapes me.

The pain bursts over me in a dark wave, pulling me under.

Reviews make Matt live longer.


	6. Angst and Fair Amounts of Pain

Hey, it's been a while since I've posted, hasn't it… (hand behind head, sheepish grin) and this chap is kinda just a short one as well… you still love me, right? Working on my Dannyfics too… mmm… Jack Daniels (drools, pants, slobbers, wipes up drool puddle) GAWD I'm gonna miss my Dannyboy when he's gone!!! Everyone who watches Stargate, PLEASE write in to MGM and tell them to bring him back!

Um, yeah, and visit my homepage! It's really good… yeah… If you like really CRAP pages… but most importantly, I want you to sign up on Neopets, so I get free stuff :) 

Anyone who's already on Neopets, join our guild! The_Slashers_Guild. It doesn't seem much now, but if we had more members, I promise it'd be a fun place to hang… have I come off as pathetic yet? :)

Neways, read…

I'm only out for a few seconds. I come to and realise that Tai's still shouting, and I'm hanging upside down from a badly broken leg.

Briefly, I give in to my impulses and let a scream rip out of my throat.

There's only one time I've ever felt more pain. And I really don't want to think about that right now.

The rigging is shaking now, as Tai climbs up after me, and one or two others follow. 

I try to straighten myself up. The pain of moving makes me black out.

Lying on cool wood, I wake up just as someone is setting my leg.

It doesn't last long.

A hand is smoothing the hair back from my brow. I mumble a wordless question.

"Matt… it's me, Matt. It's me. You'll be alright." Tai lays a kiss right where his hand was.

I look at him. There's a sharp, fiery ache in my leg. It's seriously damaged. "My leg?"

He blanches. "It- it broke badly. Both bones came through the skin. But Joe knows a bit about medicine, he- he set it and everything. It'll heal."

His voice is low because we both understand how serious this could be. Even if- by some miracle of chance- the wound doesn't putrefy, I will probably never recover full use of my leg.

"Oh, Matt."

"It'll scar, won't it?"

Tai hangs his head. "Yeah." He smiles through a sheen of tears. "You'll still have that one when you're- you-re an old man, never having to fuck anyone." His hand cups my cheek.

All of a sudden, I'm crying too. Tears are streaming down my face, and I'm sobbing.

He wraps his arms around me, rocking me gently. "You'll be fine, love. You're gonna be fine," he reassures hoarsely.

I bury my face into the crook of his shoulder. "I'm scared," I admit.

"Oh, Matt. Oh, Matt."

He rocks me until, some minutes later, my tears run out. Holds me a few minutes more. Then sets me back a fraction, and softly kisses me. "It's alright, love."

Almost against my will, I snap at him. "It's _not_ alright! I might _die_! Die! I'll be _dead_, Tai! And stop calling me 'love', you don't _love_ me, you just like a good fuck!"

For a long moment, he's silent.

"I'm sorry." I try to pull back but he won't let me.

"You're not going to die. I won't allow it."

" I feel better already," I snort.

"Good," smiles the shaggy-haired Captain.

Despite myself, I smile in return. "If it's alright, Tai, I'd like to speak to my brother."

"Sure thing." One last kiss, and he's out the door.

It would have been a good time, while there's no-one else in Tai's cabin, to review my feelings over the last twenty minutes. But I'm not brave enough. Instead, I opt to examine my leg.

Gingerly, I lift the blankets. Heavy cloth is draped over my wounded leg, and it's splinted. I let the blankets fall back with a quiet sigh of relief.

"Hey, Matt." TK sounds a lot quieter than usual. I guess this is hitting him pretty hard too. "How's your leg, big brother?"

I smile at him. "It hurts, little mon, but it's gonna be just fine. Don't you worry about a thing."

He looks down. "Matt, for real, tell me how it is."

My little brother is getting so big… "For real, TK, it might get worse before it gets better. But I'm not going anywhere yet."

Eyes shining, he glomps me. "I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too." I hug him back just as fiercely.

"I don't like it when you get hurt. It's scary."

I smile. "How do you think I felt all those times when you got sick? That scared me so much that sometimes I couldn't breath."

"I'm sorry," he sobs.

"It's okay," I murmur. "We always get through this. We'll be fine."

"Yeah." He sits back up.

"So, what have I missed?"

"Not much. The Captain yelled a lot at everyone. I think he's really worried, even worse than me. And he sent off two boats with the- the sailors that were left from Kari's ship. They're sposed to tell her family about the ransom."

Leaning forward with a grin, I ask, "And how are you and Kari getting along?"

Who would have guessed that that would make him blush? Oh, not me. It's a shock. Really.

"Good then," I grin.

"Yeah," he blushes. "Good."

I don't know about you, but I'm not keen on peeing into a bucket.

Tai takes care of me like a baby for the next three days. I can't stand it. I hate being dependant on anyone. But when I tell him this- constantly- he just challenges me to stand up.

Bastard.

And then-

On the fourth day, I wake up feeling hot and muzzy. My leg is throbbing, in worse pain than before. This could be bad.

I let Joe examine it, and his wince tells me everything I need to know. The wound _has_ festered.

Silence.

I'm going to die.

Another cliffhanger… this is me milking for reviews, here :) c'mon, you know I promised you a happy ending… 

eventually…


	7. Fever Dreams, part the First- with Added...

Ever had fever dreams? Well, I haven't, but this is a guess from me.

Thanks for all the lovely reviews by the way… I really appreciate it… and I'm sorry that I've been too busy with uni work to post more regularly. Bastards, making me work for my education.

Disclaimer: You know it ain't mine.

I don't talk to anyone for the next day. They try to talk to me but I stare at the roof and refuse to hear them. They don't understand this, this growing ache, the tearing emptiness inside me.

After all, in a week's time, they'll be alive.

I'm- I'm losing my control… I can feel the fever starting to claim my senses.

Who is it, there?

TK.

"TK," I smile. "I love you, little mon."

It _is_ him. He hugs me tight. "Love you too. But don't start saying goodbye."

Sadly, I shake my head. "I'm sorry, bro. I can't help what's happening to me. I _will_ die, and it _will_ be slow."

Vaguely, I feel guilty for making him cry.

"I'm sorry."

"You're not going to die," he sniffles. "You gotta have hope, Matt, always."

I don't reply, just hug him harder.

… but I have to lie back, as the heat claims my thoughts…

Someone is here. Someone… I don't know. I can't see. It's dark. I don't like it.

I'm scared.

It hurts.

I slip outside myself for a moment and see my shivering, mumbling body watched over by TK, the little princess keeping him company. They're talking softly, knowing that I won't hear them through my fever.

"I don't have a brother," the brunette sighs. "I love my parents very much, though."

TK sighs. "I love Matt more than just about anything. He's watched out for me my entire life; he's my whole family."

She takes his hand.

"I mean I even pretend to still be a little kid for him. It makes him feel better- more needed." He tries not to look at Kari's fingers laced with his. "Matt needs that."

"Everybody needs that," Kari smiles.

Now he does look at their hands, and his lips curve upward. "Yeah. I guess so."

After a moment's warm silence, Kari asks, "So why is he so- bitter? Did something awful happen to him?"

"I think so," TK says uneasily. "He did… something bad to get money for us, for most of my life. I still don't know exactly what it was… He puts a lot of effort into stopping me finding out."

Kari squeezed his hand. "You don't know?"

He hangs his head. "Matt saw a lot of men. He called them his clients. And… the captain touches him a lot. All the time. Matt touches him too, but he only seems happy about it when Tai can see him."

She's wordless.

"People call him… they call him a whore," he finishes quickly. "Sometimes I wonder if that's what he is. It would explain an awful lot." He rubs at his eyes. "If- if he's- letting Tai do those things to him… the only reason he'd do that would be to help me."

I'm fading away again, filled with despair. I don't _want_ TK to know that! He's _never_ supposed to know that. Never…

Strong hand across my brow. Male voice.

Is it- is it Tai?

No… no, it's someone else… a… a tall man, dark hair, face hidden in shadows… if I wanted to, I could remember who this is…

He smiles, eyes dark with something I can't name… reaches for me. I can't defend myself; that lady with the hat put me in here and this man wants to hurt me! I thought she was nice!

How can I stop him? I'm just a kid! He thinks it's funny when I struggle. My hand cracks across his cheek and suddenly he doesn't think it's funny… He hits back, hard.

__

"Brat! Didn't Sora tell you to do as I said?"

She did. _"She didn't say you were going to hurt me, sir."_

"Shut up and take those clothes off."

I'm scared. I don't know what he wants but I'm frightened of it. But I have to make Sora happy so she'll take care of TK, he's so sick, he was coughing blood this morning… I have to do what they say. I take my clothes off.

He's staring at me, and I don't like that.

Tai's hand- this man's hand on my brow, my cheek- bends me over the edge of that big bed…

My scream rips the air.

Is there this much pain in the world?

(arms around me, murmuring, worried voice)

I can't stop screaming. This- this isn't right! I'm being torn apart!

(lips on my brow, rocking gently)

Oh god it hurts it hurts it hurts it _hurts it hurts it_ HURTS!

… and it doesn't stop, it just keeps on and on…

__

I HATE THIS!

- and I've been doing it for more than ten years.

I can't stand it. I hate it. I hate them; the way they measure me with their eyes- _look at the blond boy, look how pretty, with his big blue eyes and that tight little ass_- the way they touch me, so light and shy, so full of greed and want; the way they fuck me.

It doesn't even hurt anymore. It's been done to me so many times that I don't even feel the pain. What I _do_ feel is the shame, the shame of being so violated, of pretending I enjoy this violation- and the hatred. The raw hatred that seethes through me whenever someone wants me.

And the worst of them is Tai. The sex- that is just sex. It doesn't mean anything. I could live with that.

But love; love means something. Love is real, love matters. How _dare_ he cheapen it like this?

At least- oh, thank god- he's never made me say those words. That would be the greatest violation of all.

A moment's clarity.

The echoes of my snarling words still roll around the small room. Tai backs away until he hits the wall; sinks to the ground, eyes wide; and starts to weep.

I guess I have no inner monologue.

More soon, I promise! Keep up the flow of reviews! Considering changing my MSN handle to AW (approval whore)!


	8. Fever Dreams, part the Second- Oddball A...

Finally, the next part. Getting closer now.

Reviewers, I love you all, with affection unspeakable. Your encouragement helps me get off my lazy ass (usually just lazy from uni work, I assure you. Really!) and type out the stuff I've written hardcopy. The more encouragement I get, the more of my time I dedicate to this painful task. And also, a special thanks to 'raichutrainer' -not logged in, if there's a real author by this name out there I sincerely apologise to you- who took the time to give me this astounding piece of literature for a review: 

" that waz so stupidd theres no digimon or anything. digidestenned arent pirats. stop making tai screw matt there not fags. make them go to the digi world an put sum digimon in and stop making matt a wossey man."

That kept me laughing for a good ten minutes. Ah, fingers toasty warm. I don't get **nearly** enough semi-literate eight year olds reading **every** chapter of a yaoi/slash, AU fic and then realising that it involved Matt and Tai being a) gay and b) pirates!

Stopping rant… now.

Disclaimers: I don't own digimon, I don't own Evangelion's _lovely_ psycho mind-fuck scenery, I don't own a whole lot. I own a nearly-complete beanie which I'm knitting (badly) for my dad's birthday on Tuesday, and I own a few textbooks.

He- he's shorter now, and paler, his hair scruffy blond.

I don't know if I meant to hurt him. I don't think so. Maybe, if we had met under different circumstances, we could be friends… no, we'd be fucking however we met, I know that, but maybe I'd enjoy it.

He's not basically a bad guy. He does care about me, I know that. He wants very much to be loved… it's just that he has no idea how to go about getting the real thing. This fake thing isn't what Tai wants, either; I'm pretty sure it makes him as miserable as it makes me.

Why do we keep doing this thing?

It hurts us both. And… and there isn't any _real_ reason for it anymore. The only reason is that he _could_ still threaten TK, and he is trying to find love in this sordid thing. But… why do I let him keep going?

It's not like he'd _actually_ hurt TK if I said no. He won't.

So- so why?

I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know.

I hate being confused.

__

Tai pulls me to him, fiercely holding me.

No, that's not it; that's been done to me more than enough times, and it doesn't truly mean anything.

__

His hand moves along the side of my face.

(lips on my brow)

He kisses my brow.

His hand cups my cheek.

He rocks me until

(rocking gently)

He smiles through a sheen of tears

He kisses my brow

-somewhere between a shout and a plea-

He kisses my brow

(lips on my brow)

Tai's eyes are shining

-his mouth hot on my neck

He kisses my brow

(lips on my brow)

He kisses my brow

Kisses

He kisses

He kisses my brow

I like that.

The flood of memory images ceases instantly with what, for me, is an earth-shattering realisation. I like that, I like when he does that.

What? …

Why? That's the better question.

I've moved very deep into my fever to try to finish my introspection. I have no awareness of my surroundings or even the state of my body… I must examine this.

Why do I like it when Tai kisses my brow?

(I can see, in my minds eye, two of me: both naked, cold and shivering. One- I see through his eyes- he is me as I am now. Grown, bitter, alone. The other- me when I was only a child, used for the first time. Hurt, young, sad.)

Why do I like it?

Is it nice? What does it feel like?

It feels… safe. I guess.

… oh.

I don't need to feel safe, dammit! I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I- I don't…

I shouldn't lie.

But I'm not… am I? I've _always_ taken care of myself! I don't _need_-

What if I do?

I don't _want_ to need anyone.

What if I do?

I don't want to-

What if I do?

I don't want-

What if-

NO!

…

I don't WANT to need anyone! I don't WANT Tai to make me feel safe!! I don't WANT him to comfort me!!!

… I don't?

No! I don't!

… do I _like_ being cold? Alone?

I'm not alone. I have TK. And I'm not cold, I'm strong.

Strong, and…

And cold. Alright, dammit, I kinda knew that one already. But I don't need anyone else.

Maybe… even if that _is_ true, do I _want_ to spend the rest of my life not having anyone to make me feel safe?

…

Not to be protected, not once?

… I…

To never surrender.

… but I'm afraid.

It's only fear.

I don't want to be hurt anymore.

He wouldn't hurt me. He cares about me. He holds me when I'm frightened or sad. He touches my cheek… he kisses my brow… he won't hurt me.

Maybe I could let Tai keep me safe. Maybe I could… let myself enjoy it.

Would that be nice?

… yes. It would.

It would.

Yeah. Alright, enough now; I'm waking up.

I made Matt healthy! Yay me! Review, and I promise there'll be more in the next chapter!


End file.
